Decoding Corporate Propaganda Speech

Since the advent of consumer capitalism, corporations have gone out of their way to design economically subversive messages which promote their own well-being. This practice has only heightened during the age of social media, and morphed radically after the corona became a thing. Being able to read between the lines of these messages makes a person substantially smarter when it comes to financial and political decisions. For the benefit of my blog audience, here are a few of the most common.

“In these challenging/uncertain times…”

Translation: Our bottom line is struggling, so you need to pay attention and find a way to be a good consumer despite the lockdowns.

“We’re in this together/We’ll get through this together.”

Translation: You as a spender must join the other spenders in the chip-inserting community to save our profits. However, don’t you dare feel togetherness based on religion, race, or anti-globalist philosophy. Those things are still prohibited, and we will fire you for expressing any of them.

“It is important to follow science, not debunked or discredited ideas.”

Translation: Make sure to purchase the vaccine, which will probably be mandatory anyway. Never attempt to medicate through lifestyle changes or vitamin therapy, as this could cause you to die. Of course our treatments for COVID-19 and cancer are extremely dangerous and have terrible side effects, but don’t worry about that.

“They were not consistent with our values, so we terminated their employment.”

Translation: We are not going to bother considering the context of what happened. Twitter mobs are scary, so the employee must be fired, even if they did a fantastic job.

“Let’s celebrate these empowered individuals for their contributions.”

Translation: Stand up and clap for this talentless person who needs recognition for their gender or skin color.

“Please wear a mask.”

Translation: Obey.

“We need tax cuts for job creators.”

Translation: The money NOT being sent to the Cayman Islands is being taxed too high. Stop that.

“Enough with these job-killing regulations.”

Translation: We didn’t lobby enough to make the regulation as we liked, so it needs to go. If you get poisoned because of this, at least remember that all that growth helps your 401k.

“These entitlements are out of control.”

Translation: People need less generous retirement plans. Don’t mind us as we take fat tax deductions and raid employee pension funds.

“Immigrants work harder than Americans.”

Translation: We can pay immigrants a hell of a lot less.

“We need more high-skilled worker visas!”

Translation: College graduates in America are asking for respectable salaries to pay off their student loans. This is unacceptable to us.